Note to Self: Don't Cut Cat's Throat

Right before we're leaving for the coast for the weekend I decide our Maine Coon Puss, Pru, needs a good brushing. It's still cold here so she's still got this huge winter coat. The cat's like a big fluffy Opossum. It's embarrassing.  She's a sweet cat so she doesn't make much of a fuss, even when she's got knots the size of avocados hanging off her pelt. These things are massive so there's no way to brush her out so I grab the scissors. Mistake. I get a little close to a knot on her neck and she does a tiny squeal. Damn. I try to take a look at her but now she wants nothing to do with me. I'm chasing her around the house now, apologizing, talking sweetly, "I was only trying to help honey, come here, let me look at it wumbums..." Total idiot. So I pin her down and she's not bleeding, she seems fine. We were going to leave her in the house all weekend anyway so, ya know I figure there's no use telling my wife and worrying her for the whole weekend, or worse, she might not want to go at all and then we won't go to the beach. So, I let it go and Ike and I pick up my wife at work and the family heads to the beach.

On the way back, as we're driving over the Freemont bridge, I let her know what happened and she's appalled. "You mean you knew about this the whole weekend and never told me?" She thinks I'm some sort of sickie 'cause I didn't tell her. And this is exactly the reason I didn't tell her because she was all worried and even more so when we got home. "Take her to the vet!" she says. "She's fine!" I say. "Look at her!" But then I look at the wound on her and it does look a little nasty. Seeing dollar signs with wings taking flight I take Pru to the vet. I tell the doctor what happened, she looks at me askew and hustles the cat into some stitches immediately.Five of 'em. $50.00 mistake. Even after I apologize up and down she still thinks I'm kitty serial killer: She says one more millimeter and you would have cut her jugular. I said "Hey, but another millimeter the other way we wouldn't be standing here huh?"

I'm an optimist when it comes to animal injury.

Pru's on my lap right now as I write this. Purring. Unconditional love.

Bad Daddy was only trying to help... right Pru? Riiiight.

Sorry Son, Daddy's Got a Court Date

So getting back from Cali (another story all together) Ike wants a little mano y mano Daddy time. Oops! Too bad. I forgot I plead not guilty to a traffic infraction three months ago and today I got a court date. "Why Daddy?" 

"Well, remember when we tried to go to court and pay the fine? When the giant police man at the door ran a wand over your entire body thinking you were a car bomb? Then they stuffed you through the conveyor belt machine all because you had a Diego Spotting Scope? And the jumpy lady with no teeth asked you for a dollar and the other nice lady with fish-netting on her legs asked you for a date?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I pleaded not guilty just to get the hell out of there. And now I got to go back and talk to a really nice man in a black bathrobe and a fat man paid to carry a gun about a camera that took a picture of me driving our car taking a right on a red light."

Pause.

"Dad. I don't want to grow up. Ever."

"Me Neither Son."

So at Circuit Court a cop shows me the picture of me and my wife taking a right at a red light. I said I stopped. But the cop said the camera clocks me at 32 miles and hour. And I can't go from zero to 32 in two seconds in a VW.

I told him I was a Nascar Driver... but he didn't crack.

"Any more questions?"

"Yeah. Where can I get some boobs so you're as nice to me as you are to all the ladies."

He just repeated himself again. "Any MORE questions?"

So I wait until final short matters are done and the judge asks if any more citizens want to be pussies and change their plea to No Contest.

I wait a second and then raise my hand. The judge calls me forth to Big Brother's table.

He asks me if there's anything I want to say.

I said, " Your Honor, I believe your camera is wrong and I have proof. If you take a look at the picture of me in the intersection there's a woman sitting next to me. That's my wife. 

The judge and the cop nod and vocalize interest.

"And if you notice, as I'm going through the red light she's not SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER at the top of her lungs and HITTING ME UPSIDE THE HEAD."

The court reporter lets out a loud "HA!" and then goes back to her computer.

"My wife never misses a chance to yell at me about my driving your honor so your camera must be wrong."

We all had a good laugh. The whole court. For a minute maybe...

Then the gavel came down.

"One Hundred Eighty One Dollars. Thank you Mr. Zagone."

"I'm here all week Judge! Try the Halibut! It's Fresh! Tip your waitress!"

Test Your Judicial System! You're Paying For It!